Runestone. . . Part 2 July 31, 2006
Posted by argotnavis in Archaeology, Humor, TV/Movies.Tags: bad movies, quotes, werewolves
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Well, I've been absolutely tireless in my updating here.
Anyway, here's the long-awaited part 2.
My mind is starting to get a little fuzzy about this movie, which makes me think I should have coughed up the 3 bucks and just bought it, but I'll try to give you some highlights.
Now, in case you haven't figured it out yet, dear Martin has become a werewolf. Specifically, the Runestone has transformed him into Fenrir. For those of you unfamiliar with the story of Fenrir. . . it's actually not at all important. All you need to know is that he was imprisoned in a stone (yes, that stone) by the god Tyr, whose hand he bit off. At some point, Bill Hickey explains all of this to Marla, including some things the audience has known for about half an hour, like the fact that Martin has become a werewolf to get her back.
In a fantastic scene, Marla is running from Martinwolf through some dark park, and she runs into a tunnel, where a couple of toughs attempt to have their way with her. Of course, she's being chased by a werewolf who happens to have a thing for her. The guys, of course, are mauled.
The movie gets pretty talky for a while, and Jacob, who is an intensely boring and therefore, of course, intensely imporant character, is introduced. He's Lars's (that's Bill Hickey) grandson, and he doesn't believe in all of this stuff. . . or does he?
To break the boredom, Martin goes back to that artsy club and kills some people. Of course, at first they think it's part of the show. Art people are so stupid. Fanducci tracks down Martin, only to realize that Martin is a fucking werewolf, and shooting him doesn't work (apparently he forgot his silver bullets).
Well, now Fanducci is convinced. Marla and Sam really are in trouble. So he sends them home, and sets up a bunch of armed guards outside their place. Because since shooting him once didn't work, shooting him a lot certainly will.
Amazing Line Number 3:
Fanducci: What's your name, officer?
Other cop: It's Strange, Sir.
Fanducci: I don't care how fucking strange it is.
Other cop: No Sir, it's officer Strange.
Yeah, that line actually happens. Of course, Marla and Sam have to escape their apartment, because Fanducci's crack team can't keep Fenrir down for long.
Some more stuff happens, but. . . I'm just going to skip to the end, because really, I think it's the greatest scene in all of cinema. Sigvaldson (he's the Clockmaster, of course) comes to the aid of Marla, Sam and Jacob. You see, some guy at an art museum told them that they needed both the god Tyr and some kid named Jacob to overcome Fenrir. So, is Alexander Godunov really Tyr? Um, yeah, I think so. Therefore, it's probably true.
Alexander does battle with Tyr, but he can't do it without the sword. Yes, THE sword. So, Jacob runs off to break the sword free from some wall that it's been trapped in. Yeah, Fenrir dies at the hands of Godunov's stare. Well, it's actually his sword, but you get the idea. Martin dies, and everyone is happy again. Except Martin, who is dead. The Clockmaster, feeling satisfied, goes home and stares at the clock. And smiles. And then some little kid that apparently lives with him also smiles. Could there be a more perfect ending?
The Runestone. . . Part 1 July 5, 2006
Posted by argotnavis in Archaeology, Humor, TV/Movies.Tags: Alexander Godunov, bad movies, elevators, Pez, quotes, werewolves
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Sometimes, things work out better than you can possibly imagine. In a failed attempt to rent Wolfen from the local Hollywood Video — the fact that they're selling off all of their VHS for $3 each probably explains how they don't have fucking Wolfen — I stumbled upon what is probably one of the best movies of all time: The Runestone.
Hell yes. Joan Severence, Alexander Godunov, werewolf movie based on Norse mythology. How could that be bad?
Alexander Godunov (Karl from Die Hard) plays The Clockmaker — or, as my mother read it, The Clockmaster — and he spends roughly 90% of his time on-screen staring at a broken clock. And he has an intense stare. Despite the fact that he's a) the best character in the film and b) the only character who graces the front of the box, he has a total of about 6 lines. 5 if you don't count single words as lines.
So, here's the story. An archaeologist (Martin, played brilliantly by. . . some guy) finds a runestone in Pennsylvania that proves that the Vikings discovered America or something — in any case, it's really important to him, and to Sam, an archaeologist and colleague of Martin's who happens to be married to Joan Severance (Marla), an artist and also Martin's ex-wife/girlfriend/something. Fantastic.
The runestone, however, is evil. I picked that up because it's the name of the movie and also because it says that on the back of the box, but it becomes obvious when it kills two scientists in an elevator. You can tell they're scientists because they're wearing lab coats.
Are you with me so far? OK, good. Now, Martin goes to an art show where there are a bunch of people swinging at the walls with sledgehammers. Martin chooses to beat the hell out of a face painted on the wall. I'm still not really sure what this has to do with the rest of the movie, but it's pretty intense. The important part is that he's approached outside by Lars Hagstrom (Puppetmaster, Forget Paris, pretty much every other movie ever made) who warns him that the runestone is evil.
Well, too late for that. The runestone promises to set Martin up with Marla again. . . but in exchange for what? A security guard and janitor die, and it becomes pretty clear that whatever it isn't good. Their deaths introduce Capt. Fanducci, though, so it isn't all bad. Awesome Line Number 1:
Fanducci: Want some Pez?
Marla: No thanks.
Fanducci: Best fucking candy in the world.
Fanducci believes that Martin had something to do with it, but he has nothing to go on just yet. . . especially since the security guard and janitor were eaten by some kind of animal, and the security guard shot whatever it was a couple times.
So Marla and Sam return home, and wouldn't you know it, Martin decides to come over. He tells Marla she's made the wrong choice and she should be with him, when Awesome Line Number 2 happens.
Sam: Martin, what are you doing?
Martin: I am doing this.
He then proceeds to beat the hell out of Sam. Amazing.
Martin leaves the apartment, but not before he tells Marla that he “has a hell planned for both of them.” That's sort of unusual behavior, I suppose. But Sam notices something even more unusual. Martin is full of bullet holes. Those weren't there before. . .
The rest is in this entry.
