Argot Navis

Sometimes, things work out better than you can possibly imagine. In a failed attempt to rent Wolfen from the local Hollywood Video — the fact that they're selling off all of their VHS for $3 each probably explains how they don't have fucking Wolfen — I stumbled upon what is probably one of the best movies of all time: The Runestone.

Hell yes. Joan Severence, Alexander Godunov, werewolf movie based on Norse mythology. How could that be bad?

Alexander Godunov (Karl from Die Hard) plays The Clockmaker — or, as my mother read it, The Clockmaster — and he spends roughly 90% of his time on-screen staring at a broken clock. And he has an intense stare. Despite the fact that he's a) the best character in the film and b) the only character who graces the front of the box, he has a total of about 6 lines. 5 if you don't count single words as lines.

So, here's the story. An archaeologist (Martin, played brilliantly by. . . some guy) finds a runestone in Pennsylvania that proves that the Vikings discovered America or something — in any case, it's really important to him, and to Sam, an archaeologist and colleague of Martin's who happens to be married to Joan Severance (Marla), an artist and also Martin's ex-wife/girlfriend/something. Fantastic.

The runestone, however, is evil. I picked that up because it's the name of the movie and also because it says that on the back of the box, but it becomes obvious when it kills two scientists in an elevator. You can tell they're scientists because they're wearing lab coats.

Are you with me so far? OK, good. Now, Martin goes to an art show where there are a bunch of people swinging at the walls with sledgehammers. Martin chooses to beat the hell out of a face painted on the wall. I'm still not really sure what this has to do with the rest of the movie, but it's pretty intense. The important part is that he's approached outside by Lars Hagstrom (Puppetmaster, Forget Paris, pretty much every other movie ever made) who warns him that the runestone is evil.

Well, too late for that. The runestone promises to set Martin up with Marla again. . . but in exchange for what? A security guard and janitor die, and it becomes pretty clear that whatever it isn't good. Their deaths introduce Capt. Fanducci, though, so it isn't all bad. Awesome Line Number 1:
Fanducci: Want some Pez?
Marla: No thanks.
Fanducci: Best fucking candy in the world.

Fanducci believes that Martin had something to do with it, but he has nothing to go on just yet. . . especially since the security guard and janitor were eaten by some kind of animal, and the security guard shot whatever it was a couple times.

So Marla and Sam return home, and wouldn't you know it, Martin decides to come over. He tells Marla she's made the wrong choice and she should be with him, when Awesome Line Number 2 happens.
Sam: Martin, what are you doing?
Martin: I am doing this.
He then proceeds to beat the hell out of Sam. Amazing.

Martin leaves the apartment, but not before he tells Marla that he “has a hell planned for both of them.” That's sort of unusual behavior, I suppose. But Sam notices something even more unusual. Martin is full of bullet holes. Those weren't there before. . .

The rest is in this entry.