Argot Navis

Back in my salad days I used to stay up late on weekends watching bad movies on basic cable. My favorite show was, of course, Monstervision, starring the hilarious — to my young mind, anyway — Joe Bob Briggs. Apparently he was also president of a religious watchdog group and has written reviews of books on Biblical archaeology (I'll refrain from commenting on that for now). Who knew? Monstervision, religion, a column in Penthouse — I guess he's a well-rounded guy. Anyway, when Joe Bob wasn't on, I would often settle for Dinner and a Movie. That show is still on, but I try to avoid it in its current form. Back then, though, I did enjoy it. I feel like I may be combining several memories here, but I remember watching Dinner and a Movie once, and catching a movie called Once Bitten, starring a young Jim Carrey. The dinner, of course, was steak tartare.

The reason I mention all of this is that I saw this movie again last night, and, though terrible, it is awesome. For those who haven't seen it, I've come up with an equation that may help you: Porky's-Nudity+Vampire in Brooklyn=Once Bitten. Basically, Lauren Hutton plays a vampire who needs the blood of a virgin before Halloween in order to keep her from looking like Granny Clampett. Finding said virgin is, of course, a problem in the Hollywood of 1985. One might question why a vampire with this requirement would move to Hollywood in the first place, but if one can't let that go, one probably won't enjoy this movie very much. Of course, Jim Carrey, a high-school student in some generic and unnamed L.A. suburb who drives an ice cream truck but never actually sells any damned ice cream is, surprisingly, a virgin. In keeping with the rules of the genre, his friends talk him into heading out to Hollywood to get some action. Apparently it was common in the Hollywood of 1985 to see people walking adult lions down the street on a leash. Ah, the good old days. Well, you know what's going to happen next. Jim Carrey meets Lauren Hutton at the weird club they go to. Jim's friends end up getting arrested for some reason (I guess because they're not 21?) and Jim ends up going home with Lauren, who proceeds to suck Jim's blood . . . through his, uh, gizmo.

Anyway, Jim starts slowly turning into a vampire (and has to explain to his girlfriend why he might or might not have had sex with a woman who calls herself “The Countess” over the weekend — he didn't, by the way. Sorry to ruin it for you), but apparently she needs to suck his blood three times before he makes the full transition (and Lauren is secure in her youth). Basically, that's the movie: Jim Carrey finds himself turning into a vampire . . . and hilarity ensues. One of the few scenes I actually remember from the first time I saw this movie involves Jim's friends going to the laundromat to “pick up lonely women.” One of them asks his friend whether he has protection, and the friend produces a latex glove. “Do you intend to invite four friends?” That's basically the peak of the intentional humor. The best scene, though, and one which I strangely don't remember, is the dance scene. Yes, the dance scene. Words cannot even begin to describe that scene, but I will warn you that watching the whole thing will get Maria Vidal's classic song “Hands Off” stuck in your head for days. Also, Jim Carrey isn't wearing a costume in this scene. I'm aware that he doesn't appear to be wearing a costume, either, but every character in the film compliments him on his awesome vampire costume, prompting him, every time, to respond that he isn't wearing a costume! Also, that leg air guitar thing? Don't bother trying; that shit is seriously hard to do. Anyway, the whole thing basically goes on until the big vampire chase scene, during which Jim's girlfriend Karen Kopins figures out that if she'd just do it with him, he wouldn't be a virgin anymore, and that would really screw up Lauren's plans. So they do that, and Lauren gets transformed into Lauren Hutton in bad makeup and a gray wig. Also, Jim's friends get to do it with two other vampires. Everyone's happy!