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If you're a regular viewer of any and all Twilight Zone marathons aired on the Sci-Fi Network, you're probably familiar with this film, or at least with the teaser, which was aired pretty constantly during the 4th of July marathon. I was pretty intrigued by what I saw, as it promised to be a terrible zombie movie, so, of course, I watched it. To get you interested, it's directed by someone you've never heard of, and written by the Yuan brothers (well, I assume they're brothers), who have never written a film before, but one of them did produce two episodes of “Shear Genius” (yes, the reality show about hairdressers). And, of course, there are “Original Zombie Effects” by Richard Miranda, who has also done (uncredited) effects work for such brilliant films as Friday the 13th Part VII, Nightmare on Elm Street 5, Honey I Blew Up the Kid, Army of Darkness (OK, so he had one good one) and Ghost Ship, among others. I'm not sure why they bothered to put the “original” in front of that, since I'm pretty sure I've seen these zombie effects before, but what do I know?

I'm not even entirely sure how to tell you about the greatness of this movie. I believe that during the movie I made the comment that it just watched like a bunch of edits with no scene in between. In retrospect, that probably isn't the most straightforward way of saying it, but essentially, while watching it, you almost constantly find yourself saying, “Wait, what the hell just happened?” One of my professors once told me that the mark of really good writing is that it never forces the reader to turn back to something he or she read previously. This movie is basically the exact opposite of that. It's probably being generous to say that most of this movie watches like a music video. Actually, I was almost positive the director had only done music videos before. Turns out, I was wrong. He had directed exactly one other B-movie before, and nothing else. But he's a very accomplished cinematographer for some TV documentaries I've never heard of.

Of course, the best part of the film is the soundtrack. Basically, there are two types of songs in this movie. Bad hard rock songs by a band that I assume normally does Rob Zombie covers at a local bar, and softer numbers sung by a woman channeling the lead singer of Evanescence. Yes, terrible. And, believe me, you hear them a lot. This movie isn't just cut like a music video, it very well might have initially started off as a music video.

So, I hear you ask, what is this movie about? Good question, you. Our movie starts out with our hero, a cop, following a drug dealer through the desert in her car, a lovely old Hyundai. Long story short, he throws all his coke out the window at her, she swerves and he gets away. Well, we never see her again, but our drug dealer friend stumbles across a bar in lovely Sunset Valley, Population 99. He yells at the bartender for a beer for a while, before discovering that the bartender is. . . a zombie! Yeah, surprising. Anyway, long story short, he's eaten by zombies. Flash to the sign again, Population 100. Get it? Apparently the director thought this might be confusing, because every single time someone dies, the camera flashes to that damned sign. I mean, ok, you see the 100, sure, that's cute. 101, ok, cool. 102, seriously, we get it. Of course, it ends up being higher than 102. And every time, like clockwork, we get to see the population increase. I'm impressed that they had the budget for that many signs, though.

Cut to a group of teens packing up for a road trip. Where have I seen this before? Oh right, every other horror movie ever made. This smart group of youngsters is going to a debate tournament in Phoenix. Surprisingly, our teens (and their equally intelligent debate coach) don't actually make it to Arizona. No, the driver hits a hitchhiker on the way there. Just kidding. Actually, he's pretending to be hit so that he can carjack them and make them go after his business partner, Mr. Zombie Cocaine Dealer. And he has a feeling he might be hiding out in Sunset Valley. Why? Because. . . actually, that's never addressed. Why, indeed, does Mr. Carjacker think his business partner might be hanging out in a town that has only been populated by zombies for well over 100 years? The world may never know. But off they go, apparently.

They get there, and, in typical horror movie fashion, walk into the abandoned hotel and start yelling, “Is anybody here?” You know, after the first couple, you can assume no one is. Well, Zombie Coke Dealer is here, at least, and he lets everyone know that they better watch out for Bloody Bill. Then Mr. Carjacker shoots him. Something about money, I believe. Anyway, Zombie Coke Dealer then disappears. Again, this is never explained and doesn't make any difference. There are no other mysterious disappearing zombies in this film. But what about this “Bloody Bill?” Well, luckily, one of our debaters knows literally everything about him. Why? Who the fuck knows? Anyway, after a brief tirade about how the Bible must be true, as the “world's three major religions” all believe it, he goes on to tell us about Mr. Bill. He was a Union Army deserter, I think. Anyway, he was a Confederate soldier who, of course, hates Yankees. I can sympathize. I hate the fucking Yankees, too. But you know who he hates even more than Yankees? Black people. Cue Mr. Carjacker getting very upset (note that he also just did some coke, and is a little on edge). “I heard that tone! You're talking about me!” He then points a gun at the kid's face. “No, never!” “You better watch that tone.” Now that that's over, he can continue. You see, Bloody Bill came to Sunset Valley, but since he was a murderer, the townspeople killed him. . . and, afraid he would come back as a zombie, burned his corpse. Well, more like, burned him alive. Anyway, he vowed to get revenge on the townspeople even if he had to climb back from hell. So, he did that. And then turned them all into zombies for some reason. Also, as a spoiler for you, one of the girls in the group looks exactly like his sister. Right down to the haircut. It's period details like that one that really make the film.

Anyway, at this point you might be asking yourself something. They know there are zombies, they know they are evil. Why are they not leaving? Good question. Their van is still working. Unlike most “group of teens on road trip gets stuck somewhere and attacked by serial killers/zombies/Dracula/Wolfmen/Creatures from the Black Lagoon,” these teens aren't obviously stuck. The van still works. I'll say that again. The van still works. By the end of the movie, only one of them is alive, and up until that point THEY HAVEN'T FUCKING TRIED TO GET INTO THE VAN AND LEAVE. Of course, they couldn't leave anyway because of the curse, but wouldn't you FUCKING TRY? Plot hole number two (in a film that clearly has no others): one teen slowly becomes a zombie. . . I think. Anyway, he starts rejecting normal food and complaining about “being hungry.” Also, we see some zombies dining on brain (cooked, of course). And yet, whenever they kill someone, they turn them into a zombie (population 103). Why don't they, you know, eat them? And furthermore, if they aren't eating anyone who comes into the town, since they have to turn them into zombies, who are they eating? It's questions like this that keep me up at night.

Long story short: girl gets turned into a zombie, she bites the arm of the kid who told the story (nice latex arm effects), obviously Southern kid runs off (“Why did I let you guys get me into this? I'm from Georgia!”), he gets turned into a zombie in spite of being Georgian, Coke Dealer Guy pulls out an uzi (don't ask, I have no idea), which is then stolen by debate coach. I'll make this shorter. Everyone except the girl who looks Bloody Bill's sister dies. Highlights: the coke dealer dies and the remaining kids see him again and talk to him for several minutes. “Wait a minute, you didn't have a Southern accent before. . .” Oh, it's Bloody Bill wearing his face. Next one. Girl walks into the church. Ah, she'll be safe there. Then she hears a zombie priest saying prayers. Apparently this church is of the Lovecraftian variety, and is one of the least safe places in town. Here's the good part, though. The girl knows that this town is only populated by zombies, and she knows that the zombies all have similar voices; very similar, in fact, to the one this priest has. And yet. . . she continues to walk toward him until she is attacked by Bloody Bill. Add to this a bunch of scenes that I assume are supposed to be montages, set to the bad Rob Zombie rip-off music. I say I assume they're supposed to be montages, because they generally. . . make no sense. So basically, it's a montage of someone running, shot at a bad angle, followed by a poorly cut scene that really doesn't logically follow. Examples of brilliant cuts include this one: girl is knocking on some door, cut, she's on the floor in a house. Apparently we're supposed to assume she shouldered her way through it? I'm really not sure.

Basically, it's the best movie I've seen in a long time. You should probably make sure you're watching this one with some people around, because I don't think it can hold your attention if you aren't making fun of it. Also, being drunk probably helps. And hopefully, if you're really, really lucky, like I was, one of “The Asylum's” other great films, like Legion of the Dead, will be on. A movie about an Egyptian tomb found in the United States (they had a Transatlantic trade route. . . of course) featuring both Zach Galligan AND Bruce Boxleitner? It's too good to be true! (Sadly, it is true.)